Dating Someone with Bipolar Disorder from a Non-Bipolar Perspective

Dating is hard enough. You find somebody that you like only to find out that they have a mental condition can complicate the matter. Often times when we date, if the other person has a condition or circumstance that society tells us is wrong to have, we immediately abandon ship and start looking for another person to date. This story is not an abandon ship story. Instead it is a story about staying aboard and how to navigate the uncertain waters of what Bipolar Disorder is from Non-Bipolar person’s view.

Who am I? I am BP1’s fiance. I do not have Bipolar Disorder nor any other mental condition. I wanted to share the perspective that I have as a Non-Bipolar person who has a Bipolar partner and how to navigate the difficulties that you may face if you are in the same situation. About 3 months into dating, BP1 mentioned that she had something to tell me, but as much as probed and inquired, she would not share what it was until she was ready. Later I found out that it was the fear of rejection that hindered her from sharing, but knew she needed to share because it was a critical part of her life. Eventually BP1 opened up to me about her Bipolar diagnosis, the circumstances around it, and answered the multitude of questions that I would have about it. As a result of many conversations we had about it, it lead me to research, confirm what I read actually fit her situation, for us to develop a Crisis Plan, and be observant of my partner.

Research, Research, Research

BP1 shared with me the hindsight that she obtained after her diagnosis in regards to romantic relationships and friendships she had before she was diagnosed. I felt this information was important because it explained how the lack of mental health knowledge from both people and not being diagnosed early enough ultimately caused the failure of relationships and friendships. Sometimes, many diseases and conditions like diabetes and hypertension are hereditary. As I have read other posts on this blog, I believe that it is the same for some mental health conditions too. Thus talking to your family members should be the first point of research about mental health history.

Prior to meeting and dating BP1, I had met some people that openly admitted that they had Bipolar Disorder. Some disclosed whether it was Type I or Type II and others did not. I know there are many of other conditions and diseases that have a type 1 and type 2 variant, but I don’t necessarily know the different between how something is classified as type 1 or type 2. At the time, Bipolar was one of those conditions. Since BP1 said that she had Type 1, I did my research to understand the differences between Type 1 and 2. I found out that Type 1 was the most severe of the two types and is often diagnosed after a major event has take place, like a manic or depression episode. People with Type 2 usually have less severe episodes.

My research continued with who I knew that had the same condition. From what I knew, they all took medication (not exactly sure what medication they were prescribed), but how they behaved varied. I believe that a number of factors played into their behavior such as the effectiveness of their medication and alcohol consumption. My research also explained that Bipolar Disorder can be difficult to treat because there are different medications available and those medications can be given with different dosages. In other words, it’s like turning on the faucet and trying to get the water temperature to exactly 102.55 degrees F. It can be done, but will take some effort to actually get it right. This is why some Bipolar people can take their medication as prescribed and still have difficulties with their Disorder.

Next I took my research online. Like with most searches, I started at the search engine and went from there. It lead me down a multi-hour rabbit hole of reading websites like WebMD and Mayo Clinic, finding YouTube channels about Bipolar Disorder like Polar Warriors, personal blogs written by people with Bipolar Disorder, and even a Bipolar Significant Others sub-Reddit where partners (wives, boyfriends, etc) post and seek advice about their Bipolar partners and the situations that they face.

I’ll be honest, the BipolarSOs Reddit did have some horror stories, but members of this community do share thoughts and provide encouragement to each other. From doing this research, I became more knowledgeable of the condition, further understood why that some who have been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder have difficulties even after being prescribed medications for it, and understand that it is possible to have a healthy relationship with someone who has been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.

Confirm What You’ve Read Actually Applies

Reading the articles on WebMD, Mayo Clinic, or other similar about diseases or conditions and it will freak you out. Even the articles about having a headache and the symptoms will lead you to believe that death is imminent. What I have learned from the articles that exist on websites like Mayo Clinic and WebMD are that they are written or contributed to by professionals in the medical field. While these professionals do have their degrees or certifications in the subject that they are writing about, it is not possible to know every outcome possible for a given condition, they do not know how every medication will or will not work with an individual, and that they are not providing first hand experience about living with the condition that they speak of. Thus I take what is written on these websites more as “guidance of what could be” more than “this is exactly how it will be”.

After doing several hours of research, I came up with a list of questions to ask on our next date. I’ll be honest, I think I had about 10 or 15 questions lined up not including the follow up questions that were based on the answers that she gave me. 15 questions? Isn’t that too much? For me, it was not. If you are seriously considering dating or marrying a person who has a mental condition, any and every question that you come up with should have an answer, even if it is an answer that neither of you may not like. I say this because the more that you know, the better prepared that you will be in case your partner has an episode in the future or starts to display symptoms that are mentioned in the Crisis Plan.

I shared with her what I had read and asked whether it applied to her situation or diagnosis. After all, nobody knows you better than yourself. One example of this was I found that some people have a pattern of behavior or symptoms that are demonstrated before an episode. While some of BP1’s symptoms (per her admission) align with what was stated from my research, many of them did not match. Thus I asked that she document the symptoms that she knew were warning signs specific to her to be documented in the Crisis Plan so that I knew specifically what to look for.

Crisis Plan

From doing the many of hours of research, one thing that I ran across was to come up with a Crisis Plan. The purpose of the Crisis Plan is that in the event your Bipolar partner has an episode or starts behaving differently, you can refer to the Crisis Plan to provide you an answer on what to do.

Using several examples that were found online, here are some of the things that we included in the Crisis Plan:

• Symptoms of a pending or active episode (e.g. not sleeping, not eating)
• What to do when episode occurs (e.g. take away car keys, take kids to relative’s house)
• Who to contact and contact information (e.g. parents, siblings, doctor)
• Name and contact information of all medical professionals that your partner visits
• What medical treatment facility partner should be taken to
• Work contact information (in case our partner needs to miss work because of an episode)
• What to do if self-harm is threatened or occurs (e.g. call 911, contact suicide hotline)
• List of prescribed medications

The above is not necessarily the full list of items that you want to include in your plan. If your partner has pet or financial responsibilities that have to be taken care of, those also should be included in the plan. It is OK to have a paper copy of the plan, but I recommend that you have a copy of the Crisis Plan on your phone and in your email. In the case of an emergency, you can easily pull it up on your phone as most people carry their phones with them everywhere they go. If you happen to lose your phone, the copy in your email serves as a backup and you can copy it from there when you get your new phone.

At least once per year or when a life event takes place, such as moving, changing jobs, birth of a child, the Crisis Plan needs to be reviewed and updated as need be. For example, if you and your partner move to a new city, then your partner’s current mental health provider may be too far away. Similar situation if your partner changes jobs, then your partner’s provider may not be in-network under his or her new insurance plan. Thus your partner will have to get a new provider and the plan will need to be updated with this new information.

Pay Attention, Ask Questions, Share Your Observations

When BP1 was in school, often times she would talk about her anxiety and stress level. Given that anxiety is one of the symptoms that she had mentioned in the Crisis Plan, I inquired further about what the source of the anxiety was and what, if anything, I could do to help make her less anxious. Sometimes I would surprise her with things that she said that she liked and other times just being a listening ear for her fustrations was sufficient.

When preparing for an upcoming school semester, she said that she wanted to work (part-time) on the days that she didn’t have school, essentially having no days off. I told her that she needs at least one day off per week so that she will not experience burnout and stress induced from always having something that needs to be done. This one day off per week is something that I had learned after years of working full-time and sometimes working 7-days a week. In addition, being her partner and having done the research, being always on the move concerned me as something that someone who is manic would do, thus me speaking up about that not being the right move to make. That suggestion initially fell on deaf ears, but eventually was realized before the semester started and as the semester progressed, she looked forward to those days off.

Being transparent about what you see in your partner, gives them a different perspective about what he or she is doing and how they could be harming themselves by being overly committed. It also can be a motivator for him or her to express their feelings or thoughts because s/he thinks that s/he has to get through the situation solo.

Conclusion

Hopefully this advice will help someone who is dating or considering dating someone that has Bipolar Disorder. I continue to see posts on Reddit and other websites about how people who are not Bipolar are dating or married to someone with Bipolar Disorder and have difficulties navigating their relationship. While it is different than dating someone who doesn’t have Bipolar Disorder, it does not mean that you have to follow society norms and avoid Bipolar people all together.

Author: Kenny Robinson