Finding the Sister I Never Knew I Had

Because I have a sister, I’ll always have a friend.

-My sister

I grew up the only girl, the middle of three children. But 2021 rocked my world in a number of ways. One which I will discuss here: At 30 years old, I went from the only girl to the baby girl, number 4 out of 5 children. I’ve known about my oldest sister unofficially for a long time. She’s cool, but I have not had the opportunity to meet her yet. My second oldest sister I learned about just six months ago. She’s flown across the country twice already, once to meet us and once to attend my wedding. As you’ve probably assumed, we’re really hitting it off.

Back story: No one knew of my sister’s existence – not even my dad. And she didn’t know of ours. So how did we connect? Ancestry.com. My sister was curious about her racial/ethnic identity, so she took the test, and it just so happened that my dad and brother already had Ancestry profiles. Nobody was looking for anybody in particular, but on July 22, 2021, we had a match.

I was so curious about this sister of mine. Of course I did some digging on the internet to find out as much about her as I could. I did find her online, but I did not learn much about her. The only thing I knew was she’s either black and she knows it, or she’s black and she doesn’t know it. Herein lies my hesitation in reaching out. If she’s black and didn’t know it, then learning about her racial identity in this way must have changed her whole life. This bombshell must have been confusing to say the least. She must have had so many unanswered questions. I could only imagine all of the thoughts running through her head: Who are they? Who am I? What if I destroyed their happy family? What if they want nothing to do with me? Or, I thought, what if this girl doesn’t want to be black? What if she doesn’t even like black people? How was she raised?

I wanted to talk to her; I really did. Just open the door for communication. She is my blood after all, and I wanted to know her. To love her. I went back and forth for days. I’m going to message her on Facebook…no, no, no, what if she doesn’t know yet…I’m going to message her on Facebook…no, no, no, what if she wants nothing to do with us…and so on it went.

Just about everybody (and by everybody I mean my mama and my older brother) told me not to do it. Reconsider! They felt as though she should make the first move. But what if she’s scared, I thought. What if she wants to reach out, but doesn’t know how we will react? There was just something in me that would not let my sister go. I typed out a message, short and sweet, on Messenger. Something along the lines of, “Hi, I think we’re related. I would love to get to know you, but if you don’t want to be bothered, that’s cool. I hope to hear from you.” But I didn’t send it. At least not right then. Instead, I sent a message to my fiance at the time like I’m finna do this. He encouraged the idea. He told me that the best that could happen is a conversation, and the worst that could happen is she wants nothing to do with me. That’s what I’d been saying all along! I hit send.

My nerves was BAD! Anxiety through the roof, thinking what have I done. That was pretty much all that my mind had time to think because my sister instantly replied. She gave me her number, y’all. Told me to call her. After some deep breathing exercises, I did. That was the most open, genuine, and awkward first conversation I’ve ever had with somebody. I got to learn about who she was. And who she is. Long story short, she didn’t know she was black. She didn’t know she had two more brothers, two more sisters, and another dad out there.

Our relationship with my sister is developing and getting stronger by the day. How blessed are we. This story could have been so different. I know people who are adopted and really long to know their biological family, but for one reason or another, the biological family doesn’t share the same sentiments. My daddy could have been gone before he ever knew he had another child. My sister could have never met him; we would have only had memories to share.

But ain’t this something? My brother and dad are on Ancestry. And so is my sister I never knew I had.

You might be wondering how I’m taking all of this. In short, I think it’s wild. My family dynamic is interesting enough as it is. My brothers are both on the autism spectrum, so mentally and emotionally, I’m the oldest of three. While I did grow up with siblings, our relationship is far from typical. My parents divorced when I was in my mid twenties, so there were some major life changes associated with that, of course. Now, in my thirties, I’m married and have a new sister. I am relearning what relationships look like, and for that I feel grateful. Not everybody gets that chance.

Signed,

Lai (Bipolar I)