Finishing School with Bipolar Disorder: What I Did Differently This Time
I. AM. DONE.
That’s right. As of yesterday, I have successfully completed my degree in diagnostic medical sonography! Some of you may know that I am a grad school dropout. In 2015 I began pursuing my PhD in public policy; in 2017 I experienced my first (and only) psychotic episode. I was in the psych ward for six days. I tried to return to my PhD program, but, long story short, I didn’t finish.
My keys to success this time included: awareness, medication, sleep, and a support system. This first key to success is somewhat of a catch 22, for lack of a better term, in that you don’t know what you don’t know. I did not know prior to my episode, that I had bipolar disorder. In fact, it was not until about 10 months after the fact that I received my diagnosis. Going into ultrasound school with a diagnosis and an awareness about my warning signs and triggers were critical to my success. Because I had been in school before and failed, I knew what to look for this time – things like pressured speech, excess energy, and an inflated self-esteem. I knew going into ultrasound school that my major trigger is stress, particularly from school and the need to succeed at it. If we’re being honest, the true source of my stress is perfectionism. So yes, I put myself in a situation that in and of itself stresses me out. However, having that awareness allowed me to self-correct before I went into full-blown mania or to seek help if I could not do it on my own. If you are undiagnosed and in school, take time for your mental health anyway. Learn yourself and your behaviors. How does stress affect you? Do you or people close to you notice changes in your behavior or moods that are unlike you or that are triggered by certain stimuli, people, or situations? Are you feeling anxious, depressed, or even, maybe less alarmingly, on top of the world? Like everything in life is going exceptionally well and there is no limit to what you can do because you are unstoppable? Keep a mood journal and take action when you notice destructive patterns.
In addition to self-awareness, I stayed on my medications. The antipsychotic/antimanic medication that I have been on since being admitted to the hospital acts a safety net for me. I can probably manage to stay mentally stable without it now that I know the disorder I am dealing with and how to manage it, but it doesn’t hurt to have a little extra help – just in case. I also started an anti-depressant before school. While in school, I was prescribed an anti-anxiety medication as well. I say that to say – talk to your provider about what you are experiencing as you experience it. Different circumstances and emotions may warrant different medication “cocktails.” Keep what medication works and change what doesn’t. But always do it safely and under the supervision of a nurse practitioner or doctor.
Sleep and general self-care is the third key. When I was in grad school, I spread myself way too thin, at the expense of my own sanity and health. I had so much to do and accomplish that I did not have time to sleep, or eat, or meditate, or slow down, or breathe. My therapist at the time told me that I needed to block off sleep on my calendar and take snacks with me in my bag when I was on the go. While I no longer have sleep blocked off on my calendar and I don’t carry snacks anymore, I do make sure that I am sleeping. Sometimes too much. But, given the medication and I am on and the fact that I have low iron, it is probably a good amount for me personally. I also make sure that I am eating. My most recent alma mater made this easy by building lunch breaks into our days. We got one hour between morning and afternoon classes/lab and a required 30-minute break on clinic days. I know that it is not always quite so easy in grad school, for instance, when you have classes scheduled back to back to back and then you have work when you are not in class and then you still have to make time for homework and studying outside of that. But it can be done. And your health is far more important than completing every single assignment to perfection and getting an A in every single class. I recall a fellow grad student telling me that if you are making A’s in all your classes in a PhD program, then you aren’t doing something right. Put another way, take a break before you break. I think I first heard it put like that in a Sunday sermon. I didn’t know how true these statements were until about a year and a half in. And at that point, it was too late.
Finally, but arguably most importantly, build a support system. I cannot emphasize enough how much this works! For me, this meant moving back in with Mom. I had someone in my corner who was actively learning about my disorder and about what it means for me to live with it. In my mother, I have someone who motivates me and “observes” me daily and who holds me accountable for adhering to regimens and seeking help. It helps that she is also bipolar and that she knows me so well, but I know that not everyone has someone in their support system who can relate to them in this way. For me, having a support system meant sharing my story with close friends. I had to be vulnerable and make myself very uncomfortable in order to allow people to be there and step in if needed. Mental health battles often cannot be fought alone. You will not always be in the appropriate mental space to make the best decisions for yourself. It helps to have those checks and balances so to speak in family, friends, and healthcare professionals.
Finishing school with a job already locked in post psychotic break is my biggest mental health win thus far. If you are in school wondering how you will make it through, I hope you found this post helpful. If you did, let me know in the comments! Or maybe you have some “keys” of your own to share. I would love to hear that as well.
All the best,
Lai
