Anxiety…Ain’t that a Blip!

In Jan 2017, I learned just how cruel and relentless anxiety could be. In all my 50 plus years, I never knew it could present in such a debilitating form. But, it did. It revealed that despite my many years of battling this beast (instead of accepting it), I still knew little to nothing of its actual power and endurance.

First, here in Part 1, I express a bit of my most recent experiences with the negative side of this companion. Since it is not always the bearer of all things dreadful, I classify it as sort of a frenemy.

I wish I could say I have become used to what I refer to as the sudden flight-and-paralysis type of adrenaline rush. Just imagine, while you are awake, that the two (paralysis and flight) are in tandem. A sight to observe, I’m sure. Even though this unusual, abnormal, freakish reaction occurs fairly regularly, I have not yet learned to navigate it so that I appear to be okay, so that there is the perception of normalcy – whatever that means.

I have come to accept the lightning-fast, drop-of-a-dime swing from comprehension to bewilderment. It’s like listening to YouTube in English, and then with the press of a button, I hear a foreign language without skipping a beat. The real problem is that there is no button to switch back to the familiar.

This stupor has the power to encapsulate and teleport me to what feels like an alternate, incarcerating reality. Like, the instances in which I’m trying to go about my day, you know, being productive and then BAM, out of the blue a MEETING is called. A meeting? For what reason? What did I do? What didn’t I do? It must be about me, right? The hair stands up on the back of my neck, and my eyes look like a deer in the headlights. I need Imodium and something to treat overactive bladder too. It’s a hellish and lonely experience when at that very moment nothing makes sense anymore.

When under this mental attack, there is almost complete withdrawal from reality for a relatively short period of time. But, during that time, which feels like an eternity, my brain computes that I am under arrest. I am banished to the hole – an isolation cell in my mind.

With cuffs securely around my brain, tightening, my mind paces in the cage. It feels like all eyes are on me. Step right up! Look everybody here’s an oddity! Here is someone not like us. My otherness shines brightly.

I have become acquainted with the so very many occasions when I am instantly unable to comprehend documents that are usually familiar. Staring at letters on paper and reading each word with a pause afterwards. The words have no meaning. Repeat. Repeat. I’m just learning to read. There are also occasions when I am unable to interpret speech normally. It’s in slow motion. Just imagine Charlie Brown’s teacher speaking to the class. For those who don’t know what I mean, you can watch it here.

Then there is the embarrassing moment when all eyes are on me at the table. It’s the moment of truth. What will I say? Do you know the ancient commercial “When E.F. Hutton speaks, people listen”? Well, I am definitely not he. Rather, the world stops, but I can’t get off. A powerful, massive surge of adrenaline begins to course through my veins.

I’m under attack. Trying to withstand it, I mumble and stutter, the words and sounds actually vibrate, shake as they depart my quivering lips. I unintentionally speak softly, stumbling over words. Now everyone has to literally lean in. My heart is speeding. Worse has come to worst.

Sometimes my sentences are incoherent or garbled. I keep forming what I hope and think are the correct words while trying to act as if nothing odd is happening. It’s akin to dyslexic speech. A few minutes more of this torture and I abruptly decide the monologue is over. I take a deep gulp, shift slightly in my seat (oh God the chair squeaked), and my body resists the strong urge to press an imaginary eject button and run like hell. If you have ever experienced sleep paralysis, then you know what I mean. In that moment, I long for the power of invisibility. Since I don’t think that’s going to happen any time soon, I’m thinking okay, quickly people, please break the silence in the room. No thoughts to ponder right now. Finally, they moved on to someone else.

Does anyone else ever feel this type of anxiety? Probably not to this extreme.