Defining My Normal in the Age of Mental Health Awareness (Possible Trigger Warning)

A few days ago i was shocked that someone would drop the suicide hotline number in reply to me, but hey, they don’t know me from Adam as my mom used to say.

I didn’t stop to think that expressing I could relate to someone’s need to isolate could be taken as a cryptic cry for help. Well, isolation is one of the warning signs of suicide but that was and is the furthest thing from my mind. My tendency to isolate emerged very early on. I was an only child who learned to enjoy her own company. I am an isolationist especially when I’m feeling down. However, even when I am in good spirits, I crave and demand my “me time” to recharge and refresh my brain and to avoid information and emotional overload. This is one way that I cope with every single thing that comes with being me.

I have found that I absorb too much of the negative emotions of others. It suffocates me and wrestles me to the ground. I tap out. I need time to shake it off.

On the day of the post, I miscalculated. I automatically assumed that I could connect with people who had posted similar experiences without sounding any alarms. I was wrong. I never stopped to think that my words could be taken as a cry for help. I got caught up in finding someone who had a similar experience as me.

I was suicidal once when I was a young girl, overwhelmed by depression, anxiety, insecurity, grief, and the list goes on. I ingested some pills that I found in the medicine cabinet. I woke up dazed and light-headed hours later. I lived to see another day and “I [was] still on top of the ground” as mom used to say. Boy, she never had a clue. I have never attempted to take my life nor have I had suicidal thoughts again. But, that doesn’t mean it can’t happen, right?

I never lived near any of our relatives as an adult. For many years my immediate family lived outside of the United States, but I really didn’t grow up with a feeling of closeness to my relatives anyway. I had a hard time with their judgment. That explains why I’m not close to them now. I internalized every comment, criticism, and side eye. I had a fragile, thin skin. My lack of interpersonal skills with relatives can probably be explained by various experiences throughout my life.

The situation doesn’t get any better when calls from relatives concern money and they are hoping to be on the receiving end of the deal. From the time I was a small child I used to give people whatever I had, even if it was my last. I remained a people-pleaser for most of my life. Now that I am older it has almost completely phased out. No more playing the dumb ass for those who are only looking out for themselves. But, I must confess from time to time certain guilt trips carry me back to that tenuous place.

I do have a mental health recovery plan of action just in case my shadows begin to guide and instruct me to tumble over the edge of darkness or implode.

In addition, and most importantly, I have the most amazing support system. I used to think of us as the three musketeers. All for one and one for all. Well, I still do. My two oldest kids – mature for their age, but still allowed to be kids – and I took care of each other while my then husband deployed to various places around the globe. Oh, how the kids worried and made sure I had everything I needed when I was down. At my bedside asking what they could do, It was then that I found the inner strength to first lift my head and then will the rest of my body to defy gravity and rise. The goal was to get out of bed so they would see that it would be okay. I knew that my power of endurance would prevail. I never doubted that I would get through that debilitating struggle.

One of the reasons I struggled without treatment so long was because I was buying into and clinging to the idea that depression is for people who have too much time on their hands. All I had to do was stop being lazy. “Get a move on”. Hey, nobody I knew was dealing with depression, so in my mind, there had to be some truth to it. That’s right, you most likely heard it here first! I bought into the ignorance and BS. It’s akin to brainwashing and alternative facts.

To those who perpetuate the lies: Forgive them Father for they do not know what they do. Luke 23:34.
To everyone else, thank you for your concern for my safety and well-being. I don’t always act or speak as a “normal” person would. I guess I never really have, but right now I am aware of my illness and I am managing my symptoms.

My otherness sets me apart and makes my life a bit more interesting for sure. I am okay.

I get to decide what is normal for me.