Grieving the Loss of a Loved One

Growing up, grief was an emotion that was hardly ever expressed by anyone other than myself. For instance, when my uncle committed suicide when I was ten years old, I never saw my dad show any emotion around me, but that is part of being a man. I knew that my uncle and father were close though. My uncle turned to alcohol for a reason unknown to me, but I suspect that depression played a role in his life. I knew that he and his wife and kids struggled with the problem so much so that he had to leave his home and live with my dad for a while.

In those days, you didn’t hear about people going to rehab and support groups. Everyone dealt with life and everything that came with it the best way they could. To whomever said life is a bitch and then you die, no truer words were ever spoken. We can rest assured that 1) we will experience unpleasantries in life and 2) no one is immortal.

It was a December day, around Christmastime, and I was going to attend a funeral for the first time. I remember Dad giving me a little push toward my uncle’s casket because I was afraid and looked on from a distance. Until the moment of the nudge, I didn’t realize that I was standing far away. I didn’t know where I was supposed to stand. I didn’t want to be there. Dad was teaching what I needed to know, but I really didn’t want to learn right then, if ever. That was my first experience with the death of someone I knew personally. I was terrified, but no matter how I felt, the funeral seemed matter of fact and life went on.

I’m guessing that I was supposed to follow the script and just move on when Dad passed away almost exactly a year later. But, I proved that I had not learned the lesson taught just a year before. I couldn’t shake off the sadness and feelings of abandonment, and no, I didn’t believe that time healed all wounds as Mom and other family members said. It was taking its sweet time to provide a scab. What made it worse was the fact that I felt like I had nobody to talk to, so my dark thoughts were my constant companion. I dealt with it the best I could. I tried to put on a brave face. For some reason, I couldn’t move on as others said I would. I was angry and I cried often.

Now, I know that I most likely struggled with PTSD because Dad’s death was sudden. My anxiety intensified and depression did the same. As a young adult, I was afraid to attend funerals because of flashbacks and feelings of fear and sadness that I never figured out how to deal with. People never understood me, and frankly, I didn’t understand myself. My otherness began to settle in. I wanted to die too. At one point, I wanted to leave this world, and I attempted to do just that. This was my first experience with depression.

In an effort to help others live through grief, I share suggestions for coping with it:

Know that if a person is close to someone who passes away, they will most likely experience symptoms of grief even if they don’t show it. Please know that whether grieving a death or grieving a failed relationship, the grieving process is basically the same.

Acknowledge a person’s grief with words, a card, or an embrace.

Express a willingness to listen in case they aren’t sure that you are open to it. If you can’t listen, find someone else who is close to the individual. Listening is an opportunity to understand and discover their thoughts and even understand how you can help their recovery from grief.

Provide some space if it is needed but still offer encouragement, reassurance, and support when you see a loved one struggling with grief. It’s okay to grieve. That is what we do when we feel a loss. It is normal. Remember that an ‘I love you’ – even if it’s on the way out the door – can go along way.

Find a support group, online or in person, or seek professional medical assistance if necessary. It is always best to consult a professional if you suspect that the person is having an especially difficult time coping. Don’t hesitate to call the suicide hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or text the crisis text line at 741741.

Know the symptoms of depression: Sadness, negativity, lack of interest in activities and food, isolation, weight loss, irritability, guilt.

Know the stages of grief: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.

There is no clear path to acceptance, as everyone grieves differently. For me, the path was extremely long, as I stayed in the depression stage for a long period of time and I experienced PTSD.
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If you have suggestions or thoughts on this topic, please share them.

Matthew 5:4 blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted (NIV).