How to Move Past Shame
How many people learned to recognize and cultivate self-esteem from an early age? I think those who didn’t learn this outnumber those who did. Even If you didn’t recognize the word or know that self-esteem means, according to Merriam-Webster, a confidence and satisfaction in one’s self, did you have role models in this area of your life? Did you have adults and even teenagers who taught and led by example? If the answer is yes, you are well ahead, and I’m a bit jealous.
Make no mistake – all is not lost for those of us who lived through bullying, body shaming, colorism, trauma, and/or underachievement at school. Yes, I know the situation seems hopeless with no ray of light in sight, but I assure you that with effort (yes, hard work is required) we can experience a metamorphosis. Unfortunately, my friends, we do not achieve transformation through osmosis. We have to take a cue from the playbook of the self-confident. We have to make a conscious effort to take care of our physical and mental health. For many, this type of life change feels drastic and it is foreign because it shoves us out of our comfort zone, right? It’s like learning a new language, so take your time, do the work, and notice a more secure and confident you.
I’m not at all saying that those who are self-confident don’t experience some of the same situations that the rest of us do. They are not naturally immune to the pitfalls of life. But, I can say that they handle it much differently. They don’t internalize it and don’t allow it to consume them to the point that it festers and appears as symptoms of anxiety and depression the way we do. It is important that we learn to let criticism be just that. Criticism and judgment are human nature. It has been going strong since the beginning of time with no sign of collapse in sight. There is always going to be a market for BS. The best response to it is to build confidence and a certain amount of immunity.
I’m going tackle an issue that I personally struggled with for almost my entire life – body shaming. As a young elementary school kid, I was extremely anxious about almost everything. A volatile home environment contributed to anxiety and most likely genetics did as well. As I hit puberty, depression had already settled in and I began to receive unwanted attention toward my rear view. Mom didn’t seem to be lacking in that department either, but she took action by investing in body-slimming garments, which were called girdles back in the day.
Since teenagers didn’t wear body-shaping garments, Mom didn’t have the same type of quick solution for packing my butt in. I thank Heaven that she didn’t because that would have been another source of conflict. However, she did constantly express her disapproval of my body type. Meanwhile, I became a huge fan of fascinating, sexy women like Marilyn Monroe and Chaka Khan, especially Chaka Khan because she seemed to truly love herself, all of herself, with pride. I thought that if I could only channel her confidence, I could be okay.
Feeling okay was short lived because dealing with my reality was totally different. Dealing with unwanted attention in general increased my anxiety and depression. Of course, there were times when I could be riding high and completely embrace all of my “flaws.” As far as I was concerned, my best feature was my waist. It was common to see me sporting a midriff of all things. However, those occasions were few and fairly far between due to my bouts of depression.
And then came along Beyonce (my mom’s favorite) who revealed to Shape Magazine, “I wrote [“Bootylicious”] because, at the time, I’d gained some weight and the pressure that people put you under, the pressure to be thin, is unbelievable[…]. You should be thinking about building up your character and having fun.” My mother was one of her biggest fans, but let’s be clear, Mom saw none of her flaws.
Fast forward to the present and we have girls stressing and harming themselves to become thin. That is why I’m happy to see Ashley Graham changing the narrative. Bigger girls have always rocked. It’s just that the modeling industry decided to flip the definition of beauty and give curvy girls the cold shoulder. Why can there only be one standard of beauty? In truth there is more than one, but too many girls turn to bulimia, butt and breast implants, and other unhealthy procedures to please society and the fashion gods.
We can cripple, if not shutdown, the beauty industry’s unrealistic quest for qualities that it dictates and turn it around simply by redirecting our cash flow. We have the power of the wallet. Why not support clothing retailers like ASOS, who are all about body inclusivity? It is about time we see an outfit tailored to fit more than one body type. Bravo! This is how the industry builds self-esteem and potentially increases revenue while doing it.
So, the question is how do we move past the seemingly impenetrable wall of shame?
Self –acceptance
You take a good long look at yourself in the mirror with no makeup or clothing. You see the gifts your ancestors have given you. This is who you are. You are working on appreciating what you have. You no longer obsess with everything that society dictates. You know who you are: loveable enough, in all ways good enough!
Courage and Inner Strength
It is to be aware of and appreciate your authentic self, the self only known to you. It is to move through life without negative baggage constantly weighing you down like an anchor in the deepest sea. Snub your nose at all the poisonous venom, which is constantly cast upon you for the purpose of melting you down and snuffing you out. Rewire the deeply ingrained thoughts and boldly redefine yourself in words and especially actions. Whatever your gifts, work it, own it. To all the naysayers, proudly say, “Watch me!”
Self-compassion
Go the extra mile for yourself. Treat yourself as you would treat someone you care about when they feel vulnerable and in need of confidence or comfort. For every negative thought, counter it with a positive. Love and build yourself up! Be perfectly and unapologetically you!
