In one of my many discussions with my son, he matter-of-factly stated that he questions the existence of God. When asked to explain, he asked, if God exists why do bad things happen to people who have done nothing to deserve His punishment? This is coming from a young man who has hypertension that can only be controlled with medication. Add anxiety disorder, bouts of depression, and Asperger’s to the mix and his question is understandable to me.

I didn’t respond immediately because my mind was busy shuffling through its files to retrieve memories of my own anxiety that began around the age of five when my parents went through an ugly divorce; memories of depression induced by grief at the age of eleven. I, too, have a history of mental disorders, and I suspect it has been an unspoken family affair.

I was raised in the Christian church, but somewhere along the way I became spiritual. No matter how afraid or devastated I was as a child, I turned to God for relief and comfort. Although I can’t say that I always received what I was looking for, I sought the refuge of my faith always. I remember being so very angry with God because I believed He took my dad away from me. I prayed so hard and so long. I even wanted to cut a deal with God, but it didn’t matter. After many years, I came to the realization that my dad’s death wasn’t about my deeds or anyone else’s. Life begins and ends with or without my approval. Life and its many paths happen with or without my consent. The victory is in how I control the cards that I have been dealt.

I received a diagnosis of bipolar II disorder recently, although I’m sure I have been dealing with it for years. Unfortunately, nobody recognized my “ crazy” as a treatable mental illness. As far back as I can remember, I accepted who I am despite the bullying and side eyes. I accepted my otherness unapologetically. No, I am not like “normal” people. How boring the world would be if everyone were truly destined for sameness.

My otherness strengthens my relationship with a Higher Power. I am always compelled to seek guidance, strength, and courage to endure the unendurable and to conquer the unconquerable on a daily basis. I accept the dark, awful free fall into the valleys of my mind. Then, I appreciate the exhaustive ascent to its higher ground, and I revel in the victory for as long as I possibly can. There is no doubt that I view my life through a different prism, a view that provides a measure of peace.

Signed,
Bipolar II