Showing Up Authentically
I joined an Instagram live hosted by two psychologists, @doctorshefali and @the.holistic.psychologist, on February 2nd of this year. The part of the discussion that intrigued me most was the conversation about being a “doer” as a cover-up for unworthiness and shame, and how this cover-up is essentially an inauthentic version of yourself. The conversation caused me to do some introspection as well as reflection on my word of the year for 2021: authenticity. I briefly shared with you all that I chose that word that year because I wanted to be unafraid to be myself by cautiously sharing vulnerable parts of myself and by continuing to chip away at my perfectionist mentality, which ultimately causes me lots of unneccessary anxiety. As a recovering perfectionist, I realize that my striving for an unattainable goal is counterintuitive to my being authentic.
During the Instagram live conversation, Dr. Shefali stated that you can give yourself to love just as you can give yourself to a harmful substance like alcohol. This resonates with me personally. While on my recovery journey from perfectionism, I have learned that in pursuing perfectionism I was subconsciously seeking love from other people in the form of acceptance, approval, and affirmation. At the same time, I am unlearning that external validation is a personal motivator. Instead, I’m striving to be a self-motivator and to show up as my authentic self. I have learned that a fundamental part of authenticity is vulnerability. The more I allow myself to be myself, the more I understand that the love I seek is unconditional.
The love I now seek is not contingent upon my ability to perform. For me, a lot of my anxiety stems from my mind telling me that when I perform, it’s got to be perfect. There is a type of anxiety, commonly known as stage fright, called performance anxiety. Contrary to what the colloquial name suggests, performance anxiety can be present even off stage. Simply, it is a fear or worry associated with one’s ability to accomplish a specific task in front of others. My experience with performance anxiety is that the fear comes from what I perceive as the consequences of not being able to perform “perfectly.” So instead of trying at all, there have been many occasions where I have shied away from doing things. Or, when I do try, I don’t perform as well as I potentially could have because my anxiety was holding me back.
In a society full of people with their own opinions about how we should look, talk, and feel, it can be difficult to boldy show up as yourself. But when you stay true to who you are and to what fulfills you, it makes it easier to cancel all the noise and distractions that take you away from yourself. It’s easier said than done, I know. One thing that has helped me, is to just do it – even when I’m terrified. And then after I realize, that I’m still alive and kicking once the task is done, I have just the amount of courage I need to try again or to try something else. When whatever I set out to do doesn’t go the way I’d hoped, I’ve learned to embrace honesty and vulnerability and to ask for what I need – whether that’s help, space, time, understanding, etc.
Are you a doer or a perfectionist like I am? What motivates your behavior? What prevents you from showing up as your authentic self? If you are not a doer or a perfectionist, what is your cover-up? That thing you hide behind or give yourself to in order to receive love or whatever it is you’re after.
